Life's Puzzle

Nearly two months ago I was diagnosed with ADHD.

I'm 48.

You might wonder why someone even bothers being evaluated at this stage in life…

Self portrait piece from college.

I see life as a puzzle, made up of experiences, personality traits, passing emotions, relationships, interests, jobs, etc. “Pieces of the whole" was a theme of my senior art show in college. To go through life is to gather pieces and complete your puzzle. If you’re fortunate, you'll feel a sense of completion, or near completion at least, before you die.

Yet for many years, it felt like I wasn't making progress on this puzzle. I had all these pieces, but I couldn't make sense of how they fit together, or if they were even pieces to MY puzzle. The edges felt incomplete, and everyone knows that framework gives the puzzle its shape and allows you to fill in the rest. It felt like I was forcing pieces from other puzzles to fill in the gaps, and while I could wedge some of them in, the picture was definitely not looking like the one on the puzzle box.

Getting evaluated and diagnosed with ADHD, especially as a woman, is to realize how many puzzle pieces weren't MY pieces. Or maybe they are but I've spent years working on the puzzle I thought I SHOULD be putting together, either because of expectations from society, folks throughout my life, or my own beliefs about myself.

It’s a disconcerting feeling, trying to figure out which puzzle pieces actually belong. There's been unexpected grieving, wondering how much time I've wasted, trying to make the wrong pieces fit or discounting pieces of myself.

But I still believe in the puzzle, and sometimes you have to make adjustments in order to keep making progress. So that's what I'm doing. I'm letting go of pieces that don't fit, while finding grace and appreciation for the ones that I thought didn't fit or that I didn't want to fit.

And although I can't see the whole picture of this puzzle just yet, as I remove many of the “shoulds" I tried to make fit, I grow more certain that the slightly chaotic yet colorful imagery of my puzzle will find a sense of order.

I wonder if my puzzle will make sense to anyone but me.

Then again, maybe it shouldn't.

Usually the Same, But Always Different

I take a “shoot a bunch now, purge later” approach to picture taking on our walks. 90% of these probably need purged.

When we take our neighborhood walks, we usually walk the same path. You’d think after a year and a half, it’d get boring, but the kids and I don’t mind it. We’ve learned that if we stay alert, we’re likely to find something new or changed from the last walk.

Maybe it’s an unknown birdsong we hear, a wildflower that’s arrived with a change in the temperature, or realizing that weird-looking squirrel in a neighbor’s yard is, in fact, a citrus rat (EEEK!).

It’s discovering a bird we’ve never seen before, finding Sheddy the Raccoon’s treetop hangout, or finding a bunny burrow and seeing where the grass has been munched down by them.

It’s the creativity our walks lead to, like when we realize how many different birds we see in our neighborhood, which leads to us imagining all the birds as various cliques, groups, and staff at “Bird High School”, or the children’s story we made up about a lonely gallinule celebrating its birthday and the ducks who end up joining him.

This isn’t to say our walks are these beautiful, idyllic moments of being one with nature, steeped in educational growth and intellectual discourse. There’s talk about Minecraft, Netflix shows, Roblox, and world events. There’s arguments, complaints about the weather, dropped breakfasts, ant bites, etc. You know, regular life, typical kid stuff. But within all of that are these great moments of noticing, of discovery, and of creativity. It's taking note of the little things about our surroundings and each other.

And it might be my favorite part of our homeschool days.

Suburban Wastelands

At least a few mornings a week, we go for neighborhood walks. We live in the suburbs, so it’s mostly single-family homes and landscaped yards, but when we pay attention, we find there’s plenty of nature around us. Our favorite spots are areas the county property appraiser’s office designates as “Wasteland/Marsh”. I find it sad that areas lacking commercial value are labeled “wastelands”, but for the critters in our area, I’m happy they have these spaces.

We visit places like the “nature preserve” around the corner. It’s an overgrown runoff pond in our neighborhood, full of trees and underbrush. This “preserve” appeared after years of neglect by the surrounding owners who are responsible for its upkeep. And while some neighbors are mad about it, I kind of love that we have this fenced area of “protected forest” for the birds and critters to live undisturbed. When we walk by, I always stop and listen for any new birds that have moved in or are visiting the neighborhood. Once upon a time this area also used to be a haven for stray cats, but given their decline in population over the years, I think I know why the red-shouldered hawks hang out in our neighborhood.

There’s also our “walking path”, another “wasteland/marsh” separating two subdivisions that back up to each other. It’s on the side of the street without a sidewalk, where bunnies and turtles, birds, and other critters live. Throughout the seasons we have found and learned the names of several wildflowers, weeds, and invasive plants that grow in this area.

Finally, we have “Duck Pond” and “Gallinule Pond”, two runoff ponds in a neighboring subdivision. One is named for all the ducks in the area that start and end their days there, and the other is named for the gallinules that we saw for the first time ever.

Low-key they may be, but given the current state of the world and the need to stick close to home, I'm grateful for these neighborhood walks and our suburban wastelands.

In and Of Itself

Find 90 minutes for yourself.

Put away your phone and other distractions.

Go to Hulu.

Watch Derek Delgaudio's “In & Of Itself".

Be intrigued and moved and amazed.

Feel all the feels and think all the thoughts.

You're welcome.

And So It Begins...Again

After many starts and stops, themed websites and project ideas that never gained traction because of life changes and shifting focuses, I’ve finally decided to go with just my name for this blog. I have ideas and projects that I’d like to pursue, but I’ve decided to see where this blog goes, rather than feel boxed in and ultimately unmotivated to continue with posting. I imagine it as a journal/sketchbook of sorts, but again, we’ll see.